Do you ever log on to MSN or Yahoo, knowing there’s something(s) on your mind that you’re looking to escape through news, pop culture or movie clips of monkeys imitating people but when you log on, you’re inundated with stories or news related to your issue? Well that’s exactly what happened today. It’s lunch time, I actually have an hour to unwind from a morning of meetings and so I decide a little mindless reading will be nice when the two biggest fears I have reared their ugly head right there on the scrolling MSN news. My first thought was to ignore it but by that point, I’m interested. So I click…”I love my children but hate parenting”
I think I’ve been pretty vocal about my fears and one of them has always been will I enjoy being a parent? In my mind up until this click, there was no separation. If you had a child you were a mom, a parent and you were supposed to LOVE IT. That never jived with me. I’m a very independent person which is probably why S and I work so well together. We both enjoy our time to ourselves. Part of my fear has been that I will hate being a mom because now every moment I had to workout, go have a drink, or whatever is GONE. Life is no longer carefree and I would somehow resent my child for that affect. What I realized in this article is they aren’t mutually exclusive, you can LOVE your child but dislike the task of childcare. Maybe I’m stretching but at the moment it’s comforting me to know that I don’t have to love every moment. I’m fully preparing myself for the not so good moments but maybe I need to be reminding myself that with those come a few moments that I’m assuming are priceless (the first smile, every time he gives me a hug, or says “I love you mommy”). I’ve been looking at this in a Dooms Day type of approach. I know it’s wrong but it’s how I tick. I see that it’s wrong so I’m going to make a valiant effort to work on my perspective.
The second fear was that I’d never be back to my pre-baby form. I’d never be able to run a marathon or do a triathlon or ever go to the gym as consistently or even look as good (not that I was a rockstar before). It’s a superficial fear I know but the need to compete and push myself is so ingrained in me that without an outlet to exercise that need, I get depressed. The article that came up next was one about that point. It’s point was to accept the new reality. Life will be different, you will be different. This article doesn’t give me the warm fuzzy feeling that the first did. This one seems like an excuse to me. An excuse I’m not willing to accept. I’ve got a couple things going for me that I’m hoping will allow me to break the mold. First, S has the same motivations and understands my desires. We’ve discussed having to manipulate our lives a little bit to make it work but he’s extremely supportive (which I’m very lucky to have). Second, an almost obsessive mindset that won’t accept it. I’m going to have to make some personal sacrifices I know that I’m going to be doing it for a reason that goes beyond any excuse. In the pool yesterday I also had a thought. A lot of articles I read said mothers who are into certain things, tend to come back stronger, etc. I couldn’t figure out why. Then in the pool something hit me. I’m going to have to plan every minute I’m away from Alex. I better maximize the outcome of that time. If I’ve got 45 minutes at the gym, I better get my “money’s worth” (i.e. no slacking, push harder). I do seem to gain some motivation from that theory even before he comes. I know I can only push so hard right now but I did think about the laps I was doing yesterday in a slightly different manner. I thought about my form, thought about doing drills instead of laps, etc. It gave me the warm and fuzzy I was looking for.
Bottom line, I know I’m not along in these fears but knowing how to work through them is going to be what makes me grow as a person and that in turn, will hopefully translate into a more confident mom.
WOW, that was deep! Sorry if you were looking for ramblings about baby furniture and burp clothes but today wasn’t the day for that.